Saturday, September 13, 2003

Angry Masturbator 

Alex has some complex feelings about George Bush: i have a love/hate relationship with the illustrious president of the unite states of hypocrisy, i see myself in him quite often. Here's a picture of Alex, by the way.

Friday, September 12, 2003

More brilliant Province ledes 

A controversial new bylaw in Vancouver allowing operators of escort agencies and massage parlors to work from their homes in select areas of the downtown core is creating fears that prostitutes will try to get in on the act.

The bizarre possibility emerged from a council decision Tuesday night when it voted 4-3 to allow people operating businesses downtown to live where they work.

They allowed 'escort agencies' and 'massage parlors' to work from their home, and someone is scared prostitutes will "get in on the act"? WTF? What does The Province think escort agencies are? And is it really fair to call this inevitable ocurrence a bizarre possibility?

Won't somebody think of the kittens? 

The Ontario race is getting nasty: ''Dalton McGuinty: He's an evil reptilian kitten-eater from another planet,'' said a release from Eves's campaign headquarters, e-mailed to news organizations across the province on Friday morning in the latest, and oddest, Tory attack on the Liberal leader.

The Tory insult came after more than a week of labelling McGuinty as being everything from anti-children to anti-senior citizen and anti-home ownership for young families - but never anti-kitten.

The NDP recommends quick action: In Ottawa, NDP Leader Howard Hampton said he would like the provincial auditor to take another look at the province's meat inspection system. You see, someone is stealing all the kitten meat...

Actually, the Tory press release was an attempt at a sarcastic response to the terrible things the Libs have called Eves. But according to this piece, the Tories are running much nastier attack ads anyways: The Tories launched their latest attempt to paint Dalton McGuinty as being as incompetent as Dan Quayle and as compassionate as Stalin.
"What's he got against tax cuts for seniors?" screams the banner in one spot.
So all this press release succeeds in doing is making them seem insane. You know, like Stephen Harper. God bless the Canadian Right.

Video Game is Violent: Cue Moral Panic 

This one is a fucking classic, though it's hard to appreciate without seeing the front page of The Province. The internet headline is: Violent video game probed for link to assaults on police, which is quite different from the newsprint version. The front page has the words: This violent game worries police in huge letters, with a big picture of a video game man standing over a video game cop taking up the rest of the page. The front also says that police believe Grand Theft Auto: Vice City may be a contributing factor in the many recent assaults on police. This quote is also on the front: Chris Meyer, 21, who was playing Grand Theft Auto yesterday at an arcade in Granville Mall, agreed there may be a link between the game and violence. "People who are around violence think about it and it can become a reality,"
Hmm. So why don't you see Vin Diesel beating up cops? Inside the article, there are three video game players that don't think video games cause violence. But for some reason, they weren't quoted on the front. The article describes the game, then gives some examples of recent assaults on police:
- A police sergeant got in a fight with a bank robbery suspect, suffering hand and wrist injuries and being sprayed in the eyes with his own can of pepper spray. The cop was off work for nearly nine weeks while recovering.
- A drunk on Granville Mall kicked one officer in the groin and another in the chest.
- A domestic violence suspect on the mall "went wild," ending with officers suffering various injuries, including split lips, loose teeth, sprained knees and general contusions and bruises.

So did any of these people ever play Grand Theft Auto? Two of the three examples are of people resisting arrest. Is the Province saying that GTA causes people to violently resist being arrested? But don't worry, the rate of assaults will go down soon: Police are doing a number of things to combat the assaults, including writing more violation tickets for minor offences such as open drinking on the mall and public urination, said Jones.
Of course! Arresting drunks and homeless urinators is a great way to avoid getting into fistfights! Maybe the police should arrest people who play GTA. Then the gamers could violently resist arrest, and this front-page article would have a point.
I would have more sympathy for the police whining if they were some other police force. Not the one that has 50 allegations of misconduct against it. Not this one: A U.S. human rights group joined the fray last month with a report that accused police of brutalizing defenseless drug addicts.
In March, assault charges were laid against six officers who allegedly drove suspected drug dealers to Stanley Park and beat them.
Police spokeswoman Const. Sarah Bloor said she was pleased the allegations have been filed officially so they can be investigated.

I bet she is. That US group is Human Rights Watch. You can read their press release about Vancouver here. Point of the story is, if the police go out of their way to get into fights with homeless crackheads, one of Vancouver's more belligerent subcultures, then they should expect a few assaults now and then. Blaming the violence on a bunch of pixels is ridiculous.

Long Black Veil 

Ten years ago, on a cold dark night
Someone was killed, 'neath the town hall light
There were few at the scene, but they all agreed
That the slayer who ran, looked a lot like me

The judge said son, what is your alibi
If you were somewhere else, then you won't have to die
I spoke not a word, thou it meant my life
For I'd been in the arms of my best friend's wife

She walks these hills in a long black veil
She visits my grave when the night winds wail
Nobody knows, nobody sees
Nobody knows but me

Johnny Cash, RIP. Doesn't it seem like he was just getting started? His last album was his fiftieth. How many people can make a good fiftieth album, let alone one that's a career highlight. His cover of Personal Jesus is awe-inspiring. His version of U2's song One rocks. And I didn't even like Hurt till I heard his version (which is the actual saddest song ever, by the way). And he was doing great stuff in his 60s and 70s. You think Mick Jagger will ever release another good song? What a terrible loss.

Did you know he made ads for a line of bank machines, named Johnny Cash Machines? The tagline was "I skip the line". True story.

Expelling Yasser Arafat 

Is a great idea. Not.

Thursday, September 11, 2003

Queering the postcolonial blog 

So I'm reading an article with the literary criticism Ubertitle "Queering the Postcolonial Nation". It includes such words as "emplotment", "imbricated", and "originary". It is about Canadian literary criticism favorite pseudo-novel, Ana Historic. Word to the wise, people: If you only skip one feminist self-referential poem-novel thingy set in an 18th century British Columbia pioneer town this year, skip Ana Historic. Amazingly, it's a pretty decent article, once you scrape the jargon off. And I have to write a little paper about it. You see, in three classes this year I have to hand in a journal once a week, meaning that I will spend the next three months writing, and I will never leave the house (Yeah, like you ever did before. -ed. Shut up!). I was thinking that I could post my CanLit, history, and PoliSci journals in a separate blog for your reading pleasure. I will also post my old essays, some of which are actually pretty entertaining. I write things like "What a Pinko" a lot. In fact, they are just like this blog, but not with so many swears. You will love them.

Wednesday, September 10, 2003

America explained 

Commenter on an Oliver Willis thread about the 87 billion going to Iraq:
Oh, and we're spending about three times what the country spends on grade school. Which, I guess if you think about it, explains why 70% of the country thinks Saddam caused 9/11.
That really sums it up, eh?

The Hindu-Zionist conspiracy 

Coming soon to a Pakistani newsaper near you.

Not Leni! 

Leni Riefenstahl goes to that great big Nuremburg Rally in the sky.

Tuesday, September 09, 2003

What Liberal Academia? 

Here is the continuation of the post describing my courses.
I'm taking a class in American 20th century history with a cheerful Russian prof. He seems fairly right-wing for a professor; we will be spending a week discovering how Joe McCarthy was not just a villain, but also a victim. Who is this guy, Anne Coulter? I guess there's nothing like some Soviet-style Communism to bring out your inner McCarthy, though.
Fun factoid: President Warren Harding impreganted a woman on the senate floor. He makes Bill Clinton look like Ben Shapiro!

Next I had modern British lit. This class may mark the first cute prof I've ever had; I probably shouldn't tell you this, but Hugh has a crush on her. We are starting, for some reason, with Frankenstein, making this the third of four years in English undergraddom that I have studied Mary Shelley's accursed novel. Why is this the most popular academic novel? Why do we always have to watch that fucking shirtless Kenneth fucking Branagh movie version? Isn't Mary Shelley saying society is the real monster? Why would a benevolent God create
Kenneth Branagh? God is so stupid...
Actually, the reason why Frankenstein is so popular is that the monster works as a handy symbol for any of the Big Three categories of academic criticism; those Big Three being raceclassgender (you can't say one without saying the rest. But sometimes sexualorientation is included). The monster can be any of the types of Other, whether woman, black, prole, or gay.
Last year I didn't do Frankenstein, but I spent a lot of time and wrote a long essay about Shelley's The Last Man. Shorter The Last Man: Guy has somewhat dramatic life. Plague comes. Everyone dies, except for him. The end. Hope I didn't ruin it for you.
Next class was a poli-sci class studying elections. Specifically, the 2000 Canadian federal election which was famous for ocurring at the same time (beginning a few weeks after, ending a few weeks before) as the Florida election debacle causing some ecumenically-minded American commentators to say "Those Canadians sure know how to run a nice quiet election, don't they?" This class will mean spending far too much time thinking about Stockwell "Doris" Day, an activity I feel I have already spent far too much time doing during the actual election. We've been watching CBC coverage of the election. This coverage makes me want to institute a regular column here called "Canadian Alliance members say the dumbest things", with Harper's opening salvo below. Our prof said Stockwell got a raw deal, though. First McCarthy, now Stock. And here I was thinking the academia was supposed to demonize right-wing politicians.
I then had economics with a Danish prof. He kept on talking about how he knew we didn't want to take the class, but it would insure we would make lots of money. So I dropped the class, of course. Personally, I'd rather be poor but happy then rich and incredibly happy. He complained about our tax dollars going to Shawnigan, meaning I have yet another right-wing prof. Have you no sense of decency, sir? At long last, have you left no sense of decency?

Monday, September 08, 2003

Buying CDs? 

If you are, Hugh has some interesting suggestions, depending on what mood you're in: Deep sadness because of the death of a close friend or family member: MC Hammer "2 Legit 2 Quit" (his 2nd album)
Just had eardums removed in painful and costly surgery: Celine Dion's new album "A Brand New Day"
Feeling lust over an older woman: Shania Twain's "UP" (why the fuck do I know this trivial shit...oh god)
Just got raped in Stanley Park by a bear: Simon and Garfunkel's "Like a Bridge Over Troubled Water"

There's more.
He also notes that Jerry Falwell has blamed BC's recent forest fires on Canada's legalization of gay marriage.
Two thoughts. A) Noone has yet died from the fires. Obviously, God's wrath has been greatly overrated.
B) Kelowna is not a hotbed of gayness. To paraphrase Michael Moore, why did God smite the BC interior? They didn't even vote for gay marriage. Obviously, God's a moron.
Wait, I have another thought. Here goes: Jerry Falwell needs to get laid. By a big black bear. And soon.

World: Over? 

Hamas has vowed that it will assassinate Israeli PM Sharon in retaliation for a (failed) strike at Hamas leadership, including Hamas founder and "Spiritual Leader" Sheikh Yassin, which injured 15 (including Yassin) during a meeting at his residence in Gaza.
Jeebus. What would they had done if the strike hadn't missed? Anyways, here's my prediction: If Sharon is killed by Hamas, I give humanity a year to live. Tops.

Rush Limbaugh on Madonna and Britney  

Not literally, fortunately. Apparently, they will cause another September 11th: Isn't it possible, some might ask, that some Al-Qaeda thug could see this kissing (and more of them are watching in their caves than will ever admit it) and decide to punish us? Who knows what they might do!
As Chrisafer says: What Rush doesn't see is that if pop stars can't flirt with lesbianism to punch up the sagging sales of their albums then the terrorists have won.
Forget what I said about Ben Shapiro. All he thought the kiss did was encourage little girls to become lesbians. Rush Limbaugh thinks it's a convenient excuse for the failures of Bush's foreign policy.

Chretien seeks controversy 

Our PM believes Abbas should stay:
"If you think it's complicated to be prime minister of Canada, I guess it's more complicated to be prime minister of the Palestinians. ... Anybody who is on the side of peace, I hope they will stay," Mr. Chr├ętien told reporters.
Profound. Chretien believes peace is a good thing? How bold. This brave stance has the potential to revitalize the region. All this time, noone was giving peace a chance. It's not so complicated after all. A press aide further clarified Chretien's comments:
"I think what he's saying is we've been facing this problem forever and have had many peace plans, and peace has not been found yet," Mr. Hogue said. "Maybe we should look outside the box."
Looking outside the box? All this time, Sharon and Arafat have been suffering from a lack of dynamic thinking! Well, if peace plans don't work, I guess it's time for some war plans. Maybe a historic "Screw Peace" accord is in order. Anyways, Chretien has obviously given this matter a lot of thought. Whatever vague platudinous approach he wants to apply to the Middle East is fine by me.

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