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Saturday, November 22, 2003

The wrong place 

I am very sick, and I have many essays to write. Nothing good can come of this, I'm afraid. But in the absence of fresh blogging material, let's find out what my sitemeter has told me about people who read this blog. Blogger is owned by Google, I believe, which means that blogs come up disproportionately early on google searches. I wonder what the point of this is. I'm the first result for 'Altalena Rabin', but my Ben Shapiro mockery does not provide the searcher with any valuable historical information. Then there's this empassioned plea. And this is just seriously disturbing. People of the internet, you frighten me.

Wednesday, November 19, 2003

More Confessions than St. Augustine 

Jay-Z admits a lot of things in this New York Times article, by the one and only Toure. He "admits that he pushed what had been minor disagreement with Nas into a full-blown dispute because he was bored." He says he's so close with his mom that he's "like her husband." He admits that he thinks "hip-hop is corny now." He's publishing a book (The Black Book) with another early 90s rap journalist with eccentric nomenclature , dream hampton. And by the end of the article he's undermining his own retirement: "like Jordan said, `I've got to leave myself a window,' " he said. "If people take it back to when we were making hot albums and I'm just totally inspired and I'm like, I want in, then that could happen. But I don't foresee it." As long as his comeback is nothing like Jordan's, I guess that's alright. But then, check out his idea of a retirement: "There'll be no more full-length Jay-Z albums. I might do a soundtrack in a year or two. Maybe a collaboration. But only after a year. I want to let it alone for at least a year."
A year without making music is a retirement? Jay-Z, meet Trent Reznor. In other hip-hop controversies, I think Jay Smooth has a pretty classic scoop. Mocking of Benzino is involved. Advantage: blogosphere (over the Source, I guess).

Does the new pope shit in the woods? 

We'll find out when current pope and Led Zeppelin bassist John Paul finally gets to join that Christ guy he's always going on about. Then there'll be a whole new pope. And if there's one thing those cardinal electors who are choosing the new pope love to do, it's gamble. Bet on the next pope with them, at paddypower.com (Ireland's largest bookmaking site!). The Jewish one is at 20-1, the Cuban looks like a winner, but the smart money's on Argentinian candidate Jorge Mario Bergoglio. I choose my popes like I choose my BC NDP candidates; funny names get the Shmuel vote. If I ever run for anything, the funny name voters would be the only segment of society that would definitely vote for me. So I should repay the favor in advance. Via this amusing Slate article on the candidates.

Position Statement 

So I did a test that would tell my political position. I am such a pinko. But pragmatic about it. Anyways, if you want to find out what I think on a large number of random issues, go here. If you want to find out what you think about a large number of random issues, go here. Have fun.

Hunter S. Thompson: Is He Getting Weird? 

Raoul Duke is back, and he's writing a football column for ESPN: The world of Sports is not a world of its own. To think of nothing in life except the weekly outcomes of high-dollar football games is wrong and impossible for any American person, except a Moron or a Waterhead, or maybe even the President of the United States on some days.

That is the Cruelty of these morbid times we live in. Professional football is not the only pillar of Faith that is crumbling all around us, as we stumble nervously into this new and merciless century. Even our world-famous Military power is visibly failing us. If we get chased out of Iraq with our tail between our legs, that will be the fifth consecutive Third-world country with no hint of a Navy or an Air Force to have whipped us in the past 40 years.

If the U.S. had a national Football team with a record like that, we would have fired the Coach a long time ago. Nobody can lose all the time and still stay in power. Even Adolf Hitler was forced to kill himself after personally destroying the proud nation of Germany and turning it into a helpless Nazi whorehouse.

There's also stuff about a woman who calls him about her breasts.

Update: He sounds like Robert Swenson, Systems Analyst: "It makes sense for Bush to pull out. If his own father had exercised the judgment to pull out, the U.S. wouldn't have been there in the first place."

Tuesday, November 18, 2003

Donald Takes Charge 

Rumsfeld named editor of New York Times Book Review: Inscrutability and a tendency toward information of no discernible value helps him fit in at beginning. But his tenure ends in disaster when he is overheard wondering to an assistant "if these bestseller lists here give out too much information."

But if you can't blog, you ain't no friend of mine 

Let's all wish a warm bloggy welcome to inextremis, who has been so inspired by my eloquent blogging prose and abnormally large penis that he has decided to start a blog of his own, by the name of this pale life. He promises posts that are "temporally erratic, marginally coherent, and generally a waste of time". We can't wait! He gets the party started (blogging party, that is;) with an endorsement for Howard Dean! That inextremis sure is a Deaniac! But he does have a strange definition of the word 'communist'; he seems to think that mainstream American union members are secretly plotting for a coup by Joseph Stalin's reeking corpse! That inextremis sure is silly. I hope he doesn't go crazy, though. Everyone else that saw my blog and decided to start their own have been driven completely insane! Especially Hugh. I think we're gonna stage an intervention for him. Hell, even my friends that started blogging before me are a little kooky! But don't worry, inextremis; you're already teetering on the edge of madness as it is!

In other news, I got a sitemeter. Now we can find out just how few people pay any attention to these deranged rantings of mine! Yay!

The BC legislature wants the truth? 

If it does, I don't think we can give it the truth. After all, it certainly has not proven itself capable of handling the truth. The current NDP leader was booted out of the legislature for calling Gordo a liar. You see, during the election, Gordo promised not to sell BC Rail. Now, he's selling BC rail. Macphail:
"It was just too much for us inside the legislature to take with Mr. Campbell lying about B.C. Rail," said MacPhail in a halting and emotional voice.
"I had to challenge him. I had to say, 'Well, if today is the truth and you're selling B.C. Rail, then you must have been lying during the election when you said you weren't going to sell B.C. Rail,'" she said.
"It's something that a four-year-old can understand and a 40-year-old in Prince George can understand," said MacPhail. "I merely wanted Mr. Campbell to finally admit that the truth that he was spouting in the legislature today makes him a liar during the last election."


Hey, she's not calling people in Prince George stupid. She just thinks their tummies will ache if they keep eating all those crayons. Gordo's response is classic: "The truth is we are not going to sell the rail bed, we are not going to sell the tracks of B.C. rail," he said. You see, BC will get to keep the tracks that the trains run on. It's like selling an airline, then claiming you're not selling it becasue you're not selling the air that surrounds the planes. Though I have no doubt Gordo is searching for a way to sell BC air to someone, somehow.
Well, at least MacPhail did not stab Gordo in the face with a pen.


The Conservative Party of Canada 

Must have the same acronym as the Communist party of Canada. Also, their leadership race is becoming more and more pathetic. Race from the leadership, indeed. A choice between Stephen "Al Gore without the charisma" Harper and Peter "I will never merge with the Canadian Alliance" MacKay does not a Martin-beating party make. They should just throw in the towel about that whole right-wing party thing and choose David Orchard for their leader.

Of course, I shouldn't mock, being a BC NDP fan. Our choice is between Carole "Shmuel knows little about her" James and Leonard "Shmuel may not know much about him, but he has a funny name, so Shmuel is supporting him" Krog. And some other guys. Why doesn't the well-informed (and erudite!) Shmuel know anything about the NDP candidates? Because the Gordo-lovers won't cover them:
The six candidates have spent the last months criss-crossing the province in a series of debates. But although the party has been in power for 10 of the last 12 years, the race to replace outgoing leader and longtime cabinet minister Joy MacPhail attracted no big names and even less attention.
B-b-but, CanWest is the only daily media we Vancouverites get. Isn't it up to the media how much to cover the race for the leader of BC's second biggest party? And if they aren't covering it, shouldn't they be fired?
Anyways, the NDP should just give it up and elect Jenny Kwan. Because she's, um, hot. If she became President, we could call her Baberaham Lincoln.



The Rules According to TMFTML 

For the ladies. And click on the link in the post. Y'know, just so you know it's a parody...
UPDATE: While readng the article, try to remember that the President says "Marriage is a sacred institution between a man and a woman."

Interview with a man that uses the phrase 'bodily exudates' 

Me: With "Stuart Little 2" you complain that there is repeated talk of being eaten and then becoming "poop." My question is, isn't this funny? Just a little?

Tom: No. It is just an example of Hollywood's fascination with bodily exudates.

Me: You give a yellow light to "It's a Wonderful Life," citing that scene where an embarrassed Donna Reed is hiding naked behind a hydrangea bush. You call it "a sexually suggestive episode of unseen indecent exposure." My question is, what is "unseen indecent exposure"? Aren't we all guilty of unseen indecent exposure when we are naked under our clothes? Aren't you guilty of that now, at this very moment?

Tom:

Me:


Via theagitator.



Sunday, November 16, 2003

The Dead 

To wash the bad taste of that nasty anti-Rabin article out of our mouths, here's a poem for Rabin's yartzheit (I didn't note that Shapiro had the chutzpah to publish his bullshit around the time of the anniversary of Rabin's assasination):

Untitled

To my granddaughters who visited the Holocaust Museum
on the day of the burial of Yitzak Rabin, November 6th 1995.

Now you know the worst
we humans have to know
about ourselves, and I am sorry,

for I know you will be afraid.
To those of our bodies given
without pity to be burned, I know

there is no answer
but loving one another
even our enemies, and this is hard.

But remember:
when a man of war becomes a man of peace,
he gives a light, divine

though it is also human.
When a man of peace is killed
by a man of war, he gives a light.

You do not have to walk in darkness.
If you have the courage for love,
you may walk in light. It will be

the light of those who have suffered
for peace. It will be
your light.

-- Wendell Berry

This is a sort of a belated Remembrance Day poem as well, in response to this Poison Kitchen post. And while we're on the subject, let's post another memorial poem, to commemorate this weekend's awful tragedies:

The Explosion

On the day of the explosion
Shadows pointed towards the pithead:
In the sun the slagheap slept

Down the lane came men in pitboots
Coughing oath-edged talk and pipe-smoke,
Shouldering off the freshened silence.

One chased after rabbits; lost them;
Came back with a nest of lark's eggs;
Showed them; lodged them in the grasses.

So they passed in beards and moleskins,
Fathers, brothers, nicknames, laughter,
Through the tall gates standing open.

At noon, there came a tremor; cows
Stopped chewing for a second; sun,
Scarfed as in a heat-haze, dimmed.

The dead go on before us, they
Are sitting in God's house in comfort,
We shall see them face to face -


Plain as lettering in the chapels
It was said, and for a second
Wives saw men of the explosion

Larger than in life they managed -
Gold as on a coin, or walking
Somehow from the sun towards them,

One showing the eggs unbroken.

-- Philip Larkin


It was written about a mining accident, and yet I feel it applies to all explosions. There's a phrase in each of those poems that makes me choke up.

What I'm trying to say is, Yigal Amir should have been smothered at birth.

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